The Hard Sell

I need to vent. Prepare yourself.

Ok, so lately I have been completely and utterly inundated with people trying to sell me shit. For whatever reason, door-to-door salespeople LOVE our neighborhood. I have no idea why. Does ANYONE even buy anything from a door-to-door salesperson? I mean, isn’t it generally understood that they’re either trying to scam you or murder you? Duh!

So every week or three we’d get someone at our door, just wanting a moment of our time, to discuss – gutters (no thanks), interior design (we’re good, but thanks) or jesus (really, no thanks). Well maybe it’s a mom thing, but I’ve had it. HAD IT.

One lovely Saturday afternoon, I had the windows open to let summer into my lovely interiorly designed home, and was basking in the joy of my cute gutters. I was sitting on the couch, trying to calm Riley down for his afternoon nap. The TV was off and the house was perfectly quiet. Riley and I cuddled together on the couch while he drank his organic milk from a BPA-free sippy cup. Even our (rescue) dog was sleeping on the floor. It was a modern-day Norman Rockwell painting. AND THEN.

The doorbell rang. I peered, some sales dude. I sat back down with my boy and pretended nothing happened. Lola let out some woofs. Silence shattered, child no longer drifting to dreamland. A few minutes later, the other doorbell rang. We have a breezeway door and a front door and this DUDE DECIDED TO GO TO BOTH DOORS AND RING BOTH DOORBELLS. Oh no, sir, tis not the way to get me to subscribe to Time Warner Cable. I could’ve killed him. GO AWAY!

Our happy family pre-nap moment was shattered from doorbells dinging and dogs woofing. The second I had Riley down in his crib, I grabbed some paper and with a red sharpie I scrawled, “NO SOLICITING!!” The two exclamation points proved that I. Am. Serious. They’re on both of our doors right now and I have actually seen a salesperson start up our driveway, see the sign and turn around. Success!

However, they do look ghetto, so after some googling, I’m trying to decide which to order:

I’m leaning towards this one:

But now it seems like there is no place safe. Last week at work, a girl (who I can tell really wants to be friends) asked if I’d be interested in come to a Lia Sophia party. In plain, no. But I can’t just say that. This is a nice girl, but if she were one of my friends, she’d know about my strict no-selling-party-attending policy.

I’ve done Tupperware, spa parties, brown bag parties, Pampered Chef, jewelry and food parties and I’m just done. They’re not fun for anyone involved. Everyone feels obligated to buy even if you tell them they “dont’ have to buy anything.” Then why are you having this party? Because you want free stuff that you can only get IF WE BUY. So yeah, we do have to buy something.

If I want a candle I will go to the store and buy one. If you want to have a party, have a party. Don’t host something under the guise of come buy some shit! Ugh.

So anyway, I need to think of some reason that I cannot go to her party. Suggestions?

Then this morning, I log onto ye olde facebook and see an email from a high school acquaintance. She writes me a very long email about how she is now a representative for Wildtree something or other and wants me to come to a party at her house, no MSG, no preservatives, blah blah blah. Sorry, I haven’t seen you in years and I really don’t want to come to your house and buy some food that I can either make myself (I work at a food magazine, hello!) or buy somewhere without having to go to the home of someone I went to high school with 15 years ago (god, I’m old).

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