PTSD

So I think I may have post traumatic stress disorder. Hear me out. Ever since my layoff, hey, 3 months ago today, there are certain images, words spoken or feelings that I just can’t shake. For several weeks after this happened, I would replay the whole ugly incident in my head before I’d fall asleep at night. I couldn’t help it. I’d close my eyes, ready to head off to slumberland, and I’d see his face in my head. Hear hurtful words. And I’d feel myself getting upset again. Wishing I’d said my own hurtful things. Wishing I’d flipped over that table. Wishing I’d kneed a person or two in the crotch.
But time heals, right? Yes, but apparently not enough time has gone by. I keep having flashbacks. Seriously, this is so dumb. I’m not a Vietnam vet. I don’t fully even know what Agent Orange is. I’m a girl who lost her dream job because of shitty people at a shitty company. Get over it, right? Well trust me, I’d love to. Love, love, love to. But it’s taking a lot longer than I thought it would. Will I ever get over it? I goddamn hope so.
Sitting at my new desk today in my new office, at my new job in a new field, my desk phone rang. The caller ID said “HR” and instantly I was transported back to Sept. 16 when I saw the words “Human resources” show up on my caller ID and my life changed. Turns out, they were calling to make sure I signed my 401k beneficiary form. But for a split second it was that horrible day.

I guess it’s normal that I would have those feelings since I’m now drinking from the same water bottle, using the same lunch bag and listening to the same Pandora stations. But I’m not about to go out and buy all new stuff and create all new Pandora stations.

It’s time for tough love.  So hey subconscious, anytime you want to knock this crap off, that would be great. Thanks.

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