Traveling Schmaveling

Just got back in town from my work trip to Arizona. All I have to say is why is everyone so damn crabby at airports? It’s like you walk into an airport feeling just fine and then you are barraged with dirty looks, barked orders, and everything except a full cavity search at security. It sours the experience just a smidge.

Today when I walked through security, I had to use about four of those buckets to pile all my electronic and liquid crap onto the conveyer belt. Well apparently, their conveyer belt doesn’t actually MOVE (go figure) so as I walked through the metal detector, I was barked at to push my stuff through the scanner.

“The government has made too many cuts. We don’t have anyone to push your things through the scanner anymore,” the bitter old lady told me.

I was THIS close to asking her why she couldn’t push it through since she was just standing there. Supervising, I guess. So I backed through the detector and manually pushed all my loads of stuff through the scanner.

Afterwards, I put on my shoes, my watch, my necklace, packed away my laptop, camera, phone, and picked up my purse and carry-on suitcase. I walked a little ways towards the gate and realized, my boarding pass was gone. LOVELY.

I went back and asked the FOUR PEOPLE standing in security, doing nothing (definitely not pushing stuff through the scanner) if they found a boarding pass. They looked at me like I was an idiot.

“Just have them print you another one at the gate.” Um, ok. That’s how it works. Whatevs.

I then proceeded to have the most annoying plane ride of my life. The plane was jam-packed, which isn’t unusual. But it seemed to be jam-packed with huge, annoying, loud people.

The guy behind me was really tall, I guess. I didn’t get a look at him. But for the entire three hour flight, I bounced around like we were in a thunderstorm, thanks to his big ass knees knocking into the back of my seat. It was constant. The guy must’ve had ants in his pants or restless leg syndrome, or something.

There was a family sitting in front of me with three kids. These kids were probably all between 5 and 8 years old. Totally old enough to know better. But they chose to spend the three hour flight yelling. Just, yelling. For no reason. Not even using words. Or exclaiming things like, “LOOK AT THAT!” or “DAD! GUESS WHAT!” and other random things. The parents wouldn’t even look at them and instead respond with an emphatic, “SSSH!” Ugh.

But by far, the worst part of the flight was the woman sitting next to me. First of all, she brought a big blanket and a pillow. And sat in the middle seat. Her fringy towel tickled my leg the whole flight making me think I was carrying bed bugs home with me from the hotel. Nope, just her fringey blanket.

Then I noticed what she was doing. CHEWING ON HER NAILS. The. Entire. Fucking.Flight. It was so gross. I could hear her crunching on her nails. She’d start with her pinky and work her way over to her thumb. Then switch hands and go from the pinky to the thumb. Then start again on the first hand. Lather, rinse, repeat. She did this all while she read a Kindle propped up on the tray. But her font was so huge, she was literally flipping her virtual page every 10 seconds. Flip, nibble, nibble, flip, nibble, nibble. I wanted to puke. Seriously.

After about an hour of this, I found myself actually turning my back towards the window and away from her. I’m sure I looked like a rude bitch, but I had to do everything in my power to keep myself from glaring at her in disgust. It was really gross. And then it got better.

She opened a bag of Fritos. Do you know how nasty Fritos smell? Like B.O. Really. But honestly, by that point, I didn’t really even care. I was just so glad that I couldn’t hear her crunching on her nails anymore, only Fritos.

Believe me, I couldn’t get off that plane fast enough. I’m so happy to be home.

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